Realizations

Realizations are usually pretty cool. Sometimes they're nice surprises, but other times they're nasty shocks. Regardless they usually involve a little bit of knowledge, which I would argue is always good. I had a nasty shock in the last year or so.

Since coming to college (ie it took me at least 18 years to realize this) I have noticed that I have little or no self confidence. Which is strange. I have no reason to doubt myself. I have good grades, go to a prestigious school, have an amazing and successful family, and a ton of great friends. But for some reason I still don't think I deserve this-- or not that I don't deserve it but that I didn't earn it or something along those lines. I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say there but I think you can understand the gist of it.

This realization came to me a while ago but I never really admitted it to myself (or other people as I'm doing here) until yesterday. Three people: my roommate, a best friend, and a random person all told me (within 24 hours of each other... weird!) that I would be very successful. I realized how strange this sounded to me and how unbelievable I thought it was. I also realized that I didn't believe them. I'm trying to believe them but can't quite get there.

It's not that I don't want to be successful. I've dreamed of being happy, having money, and being "successful" (whatever your personal definition of that) my entire life. But dreaming about it doesn't mean I think I'll achieve it.

For the first 14-or-so years of my life I believed success was material: money, houses, cars, jets, and whatever else pop culture tells us it is. I think I was around 15 when I decided that although I wanted those things, what I really wanted was simply to be happy, have fun and enjoy life. It's working so far. I have the car and enough money to sustain what I want in life. Nothing more, nothing less. While neither of these things (car or money) is why I am happy (my happiness in itself is debatable depending on when you ask me)- I truly believe they make me happier.

The reason for the basis of whatever happiness I do have is very simple. I am healthy and have great family and friends. Those three things sound simple but they're HUGE. And without any one of those three I would not be happy and all the money (or cars :p ) in the world wouldn't make me happy.

Another mini revelation: I am afraid to be alone (or left out) despite enjoying time alone once in a while.

Conclusions:
1) I should work on the self confidence thing. I don't know how. I'm a fan of self improvement, learning and growth and I think I can use all of those to gain confidence. But how remains a question.
2) Maybe I will be very successful? I hope so :) because my definition of success is simply happiness. So for me, very successful=very happy.
3) Cherish family, friends, and health (in that order) because they're all that matter.
4) Keep thinking like this! There's no way to improve/change without acknowledging reality first.

Separate Conclusion:
1) Don't be afraid of failure. I am right now but I want to defeat this. "You can't make 100% of the shots you don't take," is a very true quote. But I don't take a lot of "shots" because I'm afraid I'll "fail." Keep trying and I'll be "very successful" like so many people I know think I will. And instead of being surprised when people say nice stuff... just believe them and say thanks. That's gunna be a tough one for me.

G'night! :)